The Bridal Love of Jesus.

That phrase entered my life last November at a 4-week course for single women stuck under ‘the grip’, i.e., societal expectation, loneliness, the sense of rejection and crying ovaries.

A month later, I heard its variation – the spousal love of Jesus – in a Tim Keller podcast. I have no recollection of the topic but it most certainly had nothing to do with love or relationships. In fact, it might have been on generosity.

And a third time this month when a married friend said to me, “I want to discover the Bridal Love of Jesus”.

Once he has spoken, three times have I definitely heard.

Hearing a married person say it, struck a chord deep inside me. Something at my core began weep, groan and crave for this eternal bridegroom. I too want to discover your Bridal Love, Jesus.

The I am lonely, yet I am not lonely. The I am content, yet Something is missing. The I don’t want children, yet I desire to bear fruit and progeny. The I am really ok, but I am not really.

All the cycles of contradictions I have lived in perhaps all boils down to an emptiness and a sense of exposure to some unknown danger that exists because I really don’t know this spousal love.

I want to know Jesus as my warrior and protector; the canopy all around me. I want to dwell with him as my truest friend and confidant, with my eyes fixed on him alone and not myself or another human for my sense of satisfaction.

I want him to be the one who indwells me and inspires me to bear good fruit. I want my eyes to be full of love and admiration only when I consider the glories of my Saviour.

I want to tend to the home in my heart so that my groom can come in and dwell peacefully without competition.

I realise now that I have been distracted for some time. I have sought satisfaction from Lee Min-ho and my sense of accomplishments and how many thank yous I get from the people that I serve.

I know Jesus. I have been loving and serving him. However, I haven’t promoted him from friend to groom. Perhaps once he was, but life and growing up happened.

In hindsight, being inspired to write Adoration was the beginning of the journey to rediscover my first love. The beginnings of my husband wooing me back to himself.

My beloved spoke and said to me,
“Arise, my darling,
my beautiful one, come with me.
See! The winter is past;
the rains are over and gone.
Flowers appear on the earth;
the season of singing has come,
the cooing of doves
is heard in our land.
The fig tree forms its early fruit;
the blossoming vines spread their fragrance.
Arise, come, my darling;
my beautiful one, come with me.”

Song of Songs 2:10-13