Chapter 9|Doubt

“Lord, I believe; help my unbelief.”

Of course I ask, “What if?”

I remember watching the final scene of the movie, Doubt.  Dressed in a habit, Amy Adams was sitting next to a sobbing nun, Meryl Streep, who cried, “I have such doubts”.  At that moment I was confronted by my own fears. And that was one of many episodes.

I ask that question “What if?” at least 99 times a day. What if I am wrong and 17 years old me was right? That this Christianity thing is all a construct, a myth. Does that change anything? Have I missed out on life somehow? And where does that leave me with God? With every fibre of my being I know that God is but if there is no Jesus or salvation and no Law written by our Maker’s own hands, what does that make God? A distant non-relatable Creator? Am I serving just another Middle Eastern deity?

Three days ago, I plunged into a state of deep despair: If this Christianity thing is not for real, God just tell me so that I would stop giving it my all. If the message of Gospel is not true let me unhang myself from the cross. I said all this in the depths of discouragement I was receiving from the church where I observe my fellow Christians being difficult to distinguish from non-Christians. My greatest sadness comes from my own.

I won’t be a normal Christian or human being if I didn’t doubt. I believe that my doubts show an understanding of the message of the cross; the demands and expectations that are placed on me as a follower of Christ.

It may come as a surprise to some that suffering is not a source of doubt for me. As a Christ follower, my suffering in this life is guaranteed. Christ Himself said so.  Therefore, the fact that Christians suffer persecution and societal marginalisation is actually a source of encouragement for me that the prophecies ring true and the Gospel is indeed the source of salvation.

However, much of my doubt stems from the issue of death. I imagine some minds are saying that death is suffering as one can lead to the other; but there is a vast chasm between suffering with hope and suffering without hope.  If the Gospel’s promise of eternal life is not true that means there is no hope, and this life without hope is useless. Eat, drink and make merry for tomorrow you die.

Indeed, many are drawn to Jesus out of fear of their own mortality. However, for me that wasn’t the case. The night I surrendered my life to Jesus I wasn’t contemplating heaven or hell or desiring to be immortal. What was going through my head was, “God is! Jesus is for real! Jesus is indeed God!”. I decided to follow Jesus because He is God the Creator and anyone who created all this beauty, magnificence, wonder, splendour, brilliance we see around us and even the things beyond our sight and universe is worthy of all praise, glory, honour and worship. That is why I chase after Christ my God.

Now, the reality of heaven, hell and death didn’t come until about a year or so later. I had always had it in my subconscious but never really chewed on it. As an aspiring palaeontologist, I am comfortable with death. We are all part of a process that is a privilege to be part of in the first place. So many other humans could have emerged from my mother’s womb, but my sperm was the lucky one that fertilised my egg while the other possible beings were lost to oblivion. However, with my new life in Christ, I am not just part of a biological process. I was specifically formed and designed, called and predestined to cry out, “Jesus is Lord!”.

If it turned that there is not life after death, does that make me a fool for following Jesus that lived on Earth 2000 years ago? Well, yes. But we’ll be dead and unaware so no one would know any different. Seriously now, is there a point to Christian life if there is no hope beyond the grave? No, there isn’t. Even Paul, the apostle, says that our faith is futile and we [Christians] are of all people most to be pitied if there is no resurrection of the dead[1]. That is why it is so important for me to address this one doubt.

It is worth noting that this same Paul was later executed for the crime of following Jesus. Would someone die so willingly and boldly for a hopeless and untrue cause?  The early Christians were beheaded, crucified, scorched in oil and stoned to death, and all through this they maintained that Jesus is Lord. What did these people –  and even persecuted Christians today – gain from dying for a deceitful cause? Well, it seems to me that there are two possible answers to the question: Their cause is not a vain one and the Gospel’s promise of eternal life for all who believe is true, or persecuted Christians are lunatics. This is the mental limbo I hang in when in moments of doubt.

Only recently have I started thinking about death in all its glory.  More specifically, the atheistic death. Today, the thought of me, so full of life and history, shrinking to nothing brought me to nausea and cold sweat. Hopelessness gives one nothing to live for. I might as well just die now. Yet, when I think about how God is and how Jesus hung there on that wooden cross and rose again, my heart is elated, sights of heaven and His throne cloud my vision and I know that death is not the end. This is not a make-believe story I tell to make myself feel better. As Paul laid out in his first letter to the Corinthians, if I believe in Jesus’ death and his resurrection I automatically believe in His promise of eternal life[2]. If I don’t believe in life after death, it’s like saying I believe in water but not getting wet.

So, what if every single aspect of Christianity –  faith and all its stipulations – were completely wrong and if Paul was just talking gibberish, have I lost out in this life somehow? Definitely the answer is yes. I would have had a lot more fun. Oh God, if the Gospel is nonsense release me because this cross is weighing down on me! If anyone tells you that the life of a follower of Christ is one of endless bliss and stress-free moments, that person is either a liar or isn’t actually following Christ the Mark 8:34-36 way. My dear friend, if the Gospel of Jesus Christ is untrue, please pity me. Feel very sorry for me.

A lot of the time pastors – especially televangelists – preach that as a Christian, one has an easy-going life of endless wealth, breakthroughs in marriage, open wombs for the barren, great cars, impressive houses and a six-figure salary career. They are all talking nonsense. The life of a Christian is one of constant trials, turbulence and “What on earth?” moments with some being a lot more difficult to handle than others.

Imagine this world, this broken creation, is oil and by becoming a Christian we transform to water. We don’t mix. We become out of place in this world. How does someone have an easy-going life if they are out of place?  True Christ followers are not of this world and all the forces in it are against us. That is why we need the full armour of God to stand up against these forces.

Sometimes I look at my non-Christian friends and I feel so jealous. I wonder what on earth I’m doing. They are so happy and things seems to come easy for them. I look at the thieves in politics and the horrendous Donald Trumps of this world and I see how much pleasure, riches and honour they enjoy and how much they get away with. I cry out to God, “Why?”.

Even before I took up my cross to follow Christ, I had always been a reserved person who naturally found social circles awkward. Becoming a Christian made things even worse. I am not just the awkward, difficult one anymore. I am now also the one to be mocked and laughed at. As a follower of Christ, I am having to leave behind the little dignity I had for the sake of my Saviour –  this is an ongoing painful process. God does send comfort and it is not like the soothing of the world that wants something in return or is just there for a moment’s pleasure. It is refreshing and spirit-building.

Another fundamental source of my doubt is the Christian church and its divisions. About a year ago, while in a Romans Bible study, we got to the part on unity in the church. I entered about a week or so of seriously doubting Christians and the Gospel that I feared I might let go; but I was brought out of it. I don’t remember how but God brought me out of it. At the time, I thought to myself: If I can get dislodged by the disunity, how much more an outsider observing the church?

There’s really no difference between the world and the church these days. We are so divided over our values and opinions. Just considering the protestants alone, there are Pentecostals, Baptists, Presbyterian, Anglican etc. Then under the Pentecostals there are several variations between churches; there are also the conservative and charismatic Anglicans. We’ve somehow let the selfish and divisive parasitic conditions from the world infect the church of Christ.

I find these divisions very discouraging. If the Gospel is indeed life transforming as it claims to be, why is the church a mess? Maybe it isn’t really transforming after all. Well, that last sentence doesn’t stand a chance in the courtroom that is my mental reasoning because my own life is a testimony to the power the Gospel of Jesus Christ has to craft a new being.

However, when I see non-Christians – especially Muslims – with more integrity than Christians, this adds weight to my doubt. Maybe it’s just me. Maybe this transformation is all in my head. That the Bible is just another self-help book.

Are these doubts temptation from the devil or my own rational thoughts? I think both really. It is normal for us to look for rationality, for the logical thing to do. Might the devil be using my own thoughts against me? Definitely. However, I am becoming reconciled to the fact that Christianity is not entirely logical – at least in the humansphere –  and that I decided to ignore all rational reasoning and take up the mind of a little child by becoming a Christian.

My ultimate defence against doubt is the word of God. The same word that sealed my destiny in Christ and gave me running shoes: Mark 8:34-36. I cannot explain why but each time I read those verses, my faith is strengthened and I say to myself, “The devil is a liar”.

Lord, I believe; help my unbelief.

[1] 1 Corinthians 15:19

[2] 1 Corinthians 15:12-16