“It means to abandon personal will and take up the plans, purpose and mission God has for this life and eternity, and make them one’s first and only priority – in thought and in deed.”
Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul
The above poem, Invictus by William Ernest Henley, is one of my favourite. Over the course of my short life, I have recited it time and time again in moments of loneliness and despair – especially in my boarding school days. I felt it motivate me to press on in a foreign land, giving me inspiration to withstand those dark days of my first winters. I am the master of my fate. I call the shots. So cold unfriendly England, you will not get me down. I will conquer you
With all other difficulties I have faced – no matter how major or minor – this poem is brought to remembrance as a soothing balm to my heart and an energiser for my ego. My soul is unconquerable. I am the captain of my soul. It is my life: I can decide what happens to it because it is mine.
We live in an own-your-life-and-be-yourself world where a person is ‘justly’ free to be and do whatever because it is their life. We get only a short window of time here on Earth, one shot at existence, so we have to make the most of it. Go where you want to go; do what you’ve always dreamed of doing; love whom you want to love; die how you want to die; shape your life in the image of your dreams; don’t let anyone hold you back or try to push anything you don’t want on you. Live your life #LikeABoss.
Yet, at the core of Christianity is the call to complete surrender to God. Anyone who wishes to be a follower of Christ must deny themselves, take up their cross and follow Him[1]. This means to lose hold over one’s life and recognise God’s right to it. It means to abandon personal will and take up the plans, purpose and mission God has for this life and eternity, and make them one’s first and only priority – in thought and in deed. It is easy to say, “God, I surrender to you” but more difficult to make it a reality in action.
Jesus Christ set the ultimate example of this submission: Though Himself God, He chose to bow down to the will of God the Father and die for a people He created. Even though Christ was perfect and blameless, He sacrificed His life on the cross to free us from sin and death.
Take up your cross means to leave all behind, hold on to Christ and be prepared for trials even to death (This does not mean one should orchestrate their own death. This clarification needs to be made given the current climate of the world). The disciples took up their cross by leaving their professions, families, everything to follow Jesus and proclaim His good news of redemption. The world didn’t like what they had to say, so they were killed. We still see martyred Christians today.
What’s more, Romans 10 says,
9 if you declare with your mouth, ‘Jesus is Lord,’ and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. (Romans 10:9 NIVUK)
To receive salvation from the clutches of sin and its death, believe that Jesus is alive and say that He is Lord. The word ‘Lord’ isn’t just another name for Jesus. It refers to a person who has authority, control, or power over others. Thus, when a we become Christians we acknowledge the indisputable power and authority of Jesus Christ, our God, over our entire existence.
All this seems preposterous at first encounter. How can I let go of my life for an invisible Person? The pride of humanity is in our intelligence, a brain that is able to create and harness so much. Attending a humanist university opened my eyes to my full innate potential and ability as a Homo sapien. I am capable of so much. Why would I want to give up such power?
As humans, we are self-idolatrous beings. We worship our skills and false wisdom, and glorify ourselves. We don’t like to be anything short of what we elevate ourselves to be. The sin in the garden of Eden was the pursuit of our desire to be like God. Cain killed Abel because he didn’t like being classed as second-rate. The tower of Babel is a story of humans wanting to reach heaven and make a name for ourselves. From humanity’s beginnings we’ve been power hungry, from the big things like Hitler wanting to rule the world, to the little things like me wanting to write my own book[2].
Of course, in actual fact, God is sovereign above everything. As Christians, we simply stop living in denial of this fact and stop fighting God’s rule. By doing so, we are in a sense undoing what was done in the garden of Eden where man longed to be like God in His sovereignty. By denying ourselves and surrendering we are saying, “You alone are God. You alone are sovereign”.
God wants my all. He wants me to recognise His supremacy in every detail of my life; but I don’t want to. When Peter was appealing to Christian wives to submit to their husbands, he urged them not to give way to fear[3]. I remember reading it for the first time and being so happy that someone gets me. Peter understands me. He gets how terrified I am of submission. Letting go and allowing someone else take the lead is scary enough not to talk of surrendering to Someone you cannot see. Fear is at the heart of my futile clinging to strands of my life and not giving it all to God.
There’s this song people sing in church with much glee:
Pass me not oh gentle Saviour,
Here my humble cry.
While on others thou art calling,
Do not pass me by.
Saviour, Saviour, Saviour,
Hear my humble cry.
While on others thou art calling,
Do not pass me by.
Well, I sing the song with much fear. Sometimes, while others are belting it out, I just mouth the words. I am too afraid to sing the song boldly with sincerity because God might actually take it seriously. I feel as if the day I sing it with my whole heart is the day I finally completely let go of my imaginary passport, luggage and keys to God, and He would just keep them for the rest of my life and control where they go. I am terrified of what I might be called to do and where He might call me to go. The unknown scares me. And God’s plans, when revealed to us, can sometimes be…terrifying.
In this life, fear is our greatest hurdle. It is the resistance in us. Even in Gethsemane, just hours before His death, Jesus Christ was gripped by the fear of not being in control and the prospect surrendering to God’s will so much so that His sweat fell like blood[4]. He even tried to negotiate a way out, “My Father, if it is possible, may this cup [of suffering] be taken from me”; but He didn’t stop there, He said, “Yet not as I will, but as you will”[5]. In the midst of His anguish, Jesus submitted to His Father. Sometimes, I do wonder if God Himself was truly afraid or He was just setting an example for us; but anyway, like Jesus we too can overcome fear. We too can let it all go and free fall into the will of God, being cushioned by our Creator’s grace.
The Holy Spirit that lives in us is not one of fear or timidity but of power and love[6]. Furthermore, there is no fear in love and perfect love casts out all fear[7] – again, fear and love are presented as antonyms in the Bible. As we embrace the work of the Holy Spirit and God’s love in our lives and as we love God through our love for our neighbours in word and deed, fear will dissipate.
All these are nice, sweet words but it all still seems so hard! There is so much I want to be, so many things I dream of doing. If they are not in His purpose, how am I to give up these dreams I have had all my life? How can I make myself an idiot in the sight of the world as I surrender to this invisible Being?
I tend to prefer to fool myself into a state of compromise; a mental position where my life has two pilots. Captain Me is flying and in charge most of the time while Captain Jesus takes over in times of turbulence or when I’m feeling tired and need a break. I try to make room for Jesus and squeeze Him into my life, not letting Him take full charge.
Furthermore, I define the terms of our relationship which is ridiculous given my fallen state as a human and God’s love and mercy shown at the cross where He died for me. I am a prisoner who has been set free by the Person I wronged and I’m still trying to ‘lord’ it over that Person, I still have cheek. I feel this is what many in church are doing today. As Christians, we should not pick ‘n’ mix or remodel or redefine the terms of our relationship with God depending on how we feel or how the times are. If we do, we are not really following Him or living the true Christian life the Mark 8:34-36 way.
Will I ever be able to reach a state of total abandonment to God? Will I ever see all these things, all I hold dear, as worthless for the sake of my Lord? Will I ever truly surrender all? With unfathomable difficulty, I am striving towards that goal. I want Christ to live in me not as a tenant or roommate but as the only entity, the only operating force in my being.
One last thing: there is no reason to be afraid. God loves us. He became human and died on our behalf. Nothing gets more perfect than that.
[1] Mark 8:34-36
[2] See Intro for more details
[3] 1 Peter 3:6
[4] Luke 22:44
[5] Matthew 26:39
[6] 2 Timothy 1:7
[7] 1 John 4:18
The Mark 8 Christian 